It’s funny what becoming a mother can do to
you. When my son was about 6 months old,
my husband and I watched a movie one night.
In the opening scene, a mother is breastfeeding her baby at an outside
café. Long story short (and frankly a
bit less gruesome), a shootout occurs and the mother is caught in the crossfire
and passes away while her baby continues to breastfeed. As a breastfeeding mother at the time, this
affected me greatly and I started crying.
Not just silent tears either, so that my husband wouldn’t think I was
weird, but uncontrollable crying; the kind where it’s hard to speak and even
breathe. I didn’t know where this was
coming from! The scene never focused on
this mother and baby and perhaps I am even the only one to have noticed it
happen, but it affected me to the core. I
was heartbroken, devastated. Being a
mother has caused me to be sensitive to things that others may not even
notice. Being a mother brings tears to
my eyes and a smile to my face.
My
own mother tells me all the time, “Now you understand how much I love you,” and
I think to myself, “that’s not possible! It’s not possible for anyone to love
their child as much as I love mine!” Well,
it’s crazy to think that it IS possible and not only that, but our Heavenly
Father loves each one of us even more than I love my own son. Another thing I often think is, “how am I
supposed to have another baby and love him as much as I love my son, Max?
Again, it’s just not possible!” Our
Heavenly Father has millions…billions of children and He loves each and every
one of us the same. How do I know
that? How do I know He loves me as much
as he loves my husband or my son? My son, who’s only a year and half, who’s so
pure in heart and probably closer to Heavenly Father than even I am? I know it because I feel it every time I
pray. I can literally feel His love for
me as I communicate with Him, and I know that same love transfers over to each
of us.
Lately
I’ve been finding myself telling me son, rather often actually, “I’m busy. I’m busy.
Go play with daddy, I’m busy.”
But honestly, what could I possibly be doing that’s more important than
my son? I find that my son throws
tantrums a whole lot more when he asks for my attention and I don’t give it to
him. I find that it’s when I’m on my
computer that he decides to pull all the DVDs off the shelf because even at
this young age, he’s desperate for my love and attention. Now, I’m not saying that we need to give all
our full, undivided attention towards our children every second of every
day…that would drive us all mad! But we
do need to pay attention to the needs of our children every second of every
day. We know our children best and we
know how much of our direct attention each of them needs in order to thrive. Some children need more and some not as
much. Max is probably about half and
half. He does a really good job at
playing by himself and at other times he just needs a really good cuddle. So by paying attention to his particular
needs, I know when it’s ok to do my own thing for a bit while he does his own
thing, and I know when I need to just put down that computer, get down on ground
level with him and listen to what he needs and play with him.
There’s
a song I love called, Just a Homemaker
that states, “Every woman is a homemaker no
matter what else she might do. And if we
don’t watch out the world convinces us that there are better things for us to
do. So remember this profession is the
best thing you can be. And if right now
you have to add another one, remember this one’s top priority.” And you know what? It is and should be our top priority. Our children are the future, as we’ve heard
many times. However, at the same time I
have found that when I take care of myself first, then I do a much better job
at taking care of my son. I get to a
point every once in a while where I just need a break! I just need to go out and have an hour or two,
or a night even, completely void of my baby.
And I used to feel really bad having these feelings and I used to push
them aside, thinking I’m a horrible mother to have these thoughts. But you know what? I, and my husband too can attest to it, have
come to realize that when I come back from my break, I am more kind and
generous and more willing to serve my family and give them the love that they
deserve. Just because we are mothers, we
can’t completely forget about our own needs.
Just as we know how much attention our children need to thrive, we know
what we need to do for ourselves in order to thrive and be better mothers, and
we can’t ignore that or feel bad about that.
Max
and I had a really rough start in the months after he was born and I had some
really bad postpartum issues. And these
last few weeks as well, as he’s grown into toddlerhood and begun asserting his
independence, to put it nicely, have been really rough on me. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband goes to
school full—time. Our families are both
in California and the only friends I have close by are the few I’ve made in
this ward. However, that being said, my
husband and I only have one car, so Max and I are usually stuck inside with
limited resources most days of the week.
Really, having a toddler, you can only come up with so many activities
to keep entertained. There’s another
song that has always been a great comfort to me during my particularly tough
times. It’s called He’ll Come Home with You.
And it’s kind of long, but it goes like this:
She’d just gone across the street to see
the neighbors
But as she turned to go back home the
thought was there
Like a wave that rolls and turns, the
loneliness returned
Leaving in its wake a feeling of despair
She stood looking at her house, each
window lighted
And knew behind each light a child with
many needs
“I just can’t go back tonight,” she
thought, “I’ve given everything I’ve got”
Then looking up she made this silent
plea
“Could I please come home tonight, for
just a little while?
In the morning I’ll be ready to come
back
But I’m tired of the strain, of the
loneliness and pain
Could I please come home to find the
strength I lack?”
Though the air was undisturbed, still
she knew her prayer was heard
For she felt her loving Father say these
words
“My child, you can’t come home tonight,
for if you did it would be too hard to return,
But though I can’t let you come home, I
will not let you be alone
Just give your burden to my Son and the
light you need will come”
Then take His hand and as you do you’ll
find His strength will carry you
You can’t come home tonight, but He’ll
come home with you.
What
a powerful message. I sometimes feel
like the mother in this story, particularly on those days that just seem to
never end: Days when naptime feels like it
should be bedtime already; those days where everything just seems to go
wrong. Where it’s the end of the day and
you find you don’t even need to change into your pajamas to go to sleep because
you’re still wearing them. Days when the
tv is your only salvation. On those days
I find myself asking the same question, “could I please come home tonight?, for just a little while? In the morning I’ll be ready to come back.” And always I
receive the same answer, “My child, you can’t come home tonight, for if you
did, it would be too hard to return.
But though I can’t let you come, I will not let you be alone, just give
your burden to my son, and the light you need will come.” You know the Footprints in the Sand poem where there are two separate footprints
and then there’s only one and Jesus Christ says, “Those are the times I carried
you”? Well, these days I just mentioned are the days we need to hand things
over to our Savior, to take HIS hand and allow Him to give us the strength we
need to carry through.
In
spite of all the hardships I encounter, I would not trade this profession for
the world. Being a mother is the greatest
calling I could have possibly received.
Every time I look at my son, I realize just how blessed I am. He is such a sweetheart and spontaneously
gives me hugs and kisses all the time.
In fact, I find it quite ironic that when I got pregnant, Bryan wanted a
boy so badly that I think he literally willed our baby to be a boy, yet Max is
the biggest Mama’s boy there is. Heavenly Father has entrusted these precious
little souls to us and the best thing we can do for them is to teach them the
gospel and be examples of righteous members of the church so they have the best
chance of returning back to Him one day. I’m so grateful and lucky to have such a
wonderful husband who loves and supports me and allows me to be able to stay at
home with my son.
Brothers and sisters, and mothers in
particular, this is my testimony that I leave with you; I know that when I get
down on my knees and pray, Heavenly Father is right there with me. He loves me.
I know he would never give any one of us a trial that is too hard to
overcome. I know that when we give our
burdens to our Savior Jesus Christ, that His strength will carry us
through. That is why He lived and
died…to take upon Him our burdens so we don’t have to go through this world
alone. We can’t go home tonight, but He WILL come home with you.
