To My Biological Mother

(A letter from my husband, Bryan)

To my biological mother,

            I’ve spent all my life being rather disinterested in your whereabouts or whether or not you had brown hair or black hair.  I always thought that I had the option to find those things out on my own. I thought if at some time I decided to meet you, I actually could.  I never had a real desire to search for you – not because I didn’t care, but because I felt I didn’t need to know.  You left me with a family: a mother, a father, and three brothers.  Your decision to put me up for adoption was the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me because everything good that has happened in my life, stemmed from that decision.  I’ll admit, I am disappointed to hear that I cannot meet you.  Recently I have felt that desire to see you and talk with you – to thank you.  I had spent my whole life believing at some point that I could meet you should I choose, but now that I know that isn’t possible…it stings.  In my moments of self-reflection, where I’m standing in front of a mirror, wondering where everything came from or trying to postulate what you would look like, I’m left in the dark.  When I hear others talking amongst themselves saying things like, “You have your father’s nose,” or “you have your mother’s eyes,” I’m left wondering those same questions about myself; not to mention the fun times at the doctor’s office when they ask me about my family medical history.  I know those kinds of things seem small, but to me they are significant.  I want to know about my family history, I want to know who my grandparents were, I want to know everything I can about where and who I came from because it’s important to me.  It hurts to think that information could be lost to me forever, but the whole point of this letter or journal entry or whatever this is, is to thank you.  I have everything I will ever need to thrive and flourish in this life and all of that is because of you.  My mother is kind and loving, my father is my best friend and without you I would have never met my wife and I wouldn’t have had my son.  I wish you could meet them, I know you would love them.  Your decision to put me up for adoption has defined me as a person and set the course for my life and I know that it was the right decision.  I’ll never know the totality of the circumstances surrounding my adoption and even though I’m more than curious, it’s ok.  I can live the rest of my life satisfied to know that you gave me away because you loved me.  I’ve always felt that I wanted to have some kind of connection with you, but only now am I realizing how important that connection would have been to me.  I love you and I always will, even if I’ll never get to meet you. 

Bryan